Black Swan

downthewindows @ 2008-05-06T19:34:00

2008-05-07T02:38:12Z

I'm glad to be alive.

Sometimes I wonder if things like this happen all the time for a reason. I wonder if I do something to make them follow me, or if I just have horrible luck. Every time, there's always an excuse to stop it from being my fault. This time, it was that fuck with the truck that didn't look before he turned and almost hit face first if it wasn't for Jimmy's swerve. It was his fault.

But still, I wonder. In all of these things, I'm the constant. It has to be me. It has to be.

When Jim turned like that, he saved our lives. We would have went under. Instead, when he turned, it hit my side, but I walked away with a banged up knee. I wouldn't have been able to think as quickly as him.

downthewindows @ 2008-04-01T19:59:00

2008-04-02T03:00:25Z

After sitting in a parked car for 5 hours by myself, I thought up some really pretty things to write.
I'll get to it eventually.

I think we should rob a bank. Who's with me?

downthewindows @ 2008-02-29T20:23:00

2008-03-01T01:28:13Z

I told Jimmy that I loved him today.
We've been sleeping together. We've been seeing each other everyday.
He's honestly... the sweetest person I've ever been with, I'm so in awe.
We went through a car wash yesterday! It was as awesome as I thought it would be! (Although I was scared for a little while that a freak accident would happen and we'd die.)

I saw Mark today for the first time in what felt like years. He's changed.
Now that I've vented out whatever frustrations I had...
I want him to be happy, and I want to see him smile.

I'm pretty happy with things right now.

downthewindows @ 2008-02-04T22:44:00

2008-02-05T03:46:33Z

I think I'd rather try to keep things inside from now on... at least try to.
Whenever I even try to say what's going on I feel like I sound retarded..
Not towards other people, I'm not concerned about that, but I embarass myself. I get annoyed of reading my own crap. I don't want to have me sick of myself, too. At least when it's closed in I feel stronger.

Or something.

downthewindows @ 2008-01-19T11:57:00

2008-01-19T16:58:14Z

I can not understand what to write here.
I hope it al goes downhill.
Every time I try to look up...

Resolutions.

2008-01-17T22:22:14Z

I was reading through old entries, and stumbled across my old resolutions. Let's see how many of these I've actually done:

Resolutions.
Stop cursing entirely.
Nope.
Healthy foods.
Done.
Start painting. Finally.
AP art makes me, but I don't take my extra time to do it.
Spell better and broaden my vocabulary.
Eh I probably actually lost some writing ability.
Use that vocabulary without sounding like an ass.
I've become more of an ass in general to everyone.
Continue not smoking cigarettes.
Oh God hahah. I was at 10-12 a day earlier this year, but I've been trying to quit. 2-4 a day now.
Forget pursuing piano, but at least try to practice once a week.
Piano lies covered in dust. I wanted to pick up drums but it's not happening.
Read more books.
Nope.
Watch more movies.
Kind of.
Play more video games.
Nope.
Write more.
Yeah, but I do it during class so that's not a pro.
Keep doing that pretty handwriting thing.
Better than ever.
Change the way I act in large groups.
I don't care about that anymore, really.
Fast as least four times this year.
I did it once.
Regain the control I had. In all aspects.
I'm getting there, but this is a whole new year.
Try to get to the same level of thinness I was two years ago.
Again, getting pretty close.
Get thin and stay that way, or...
Fail.
get fat and stay that way.
Fail.
Make up my mind / find a way to maintain something steady.
I've been pretty much on the same wavelength lately, but that wasn't last year.
Steady myself.
Uber fail
Mark. Everything. Every single thing.
Breaking up was either a win or a loss when it comes to this one. I haven't decided which one.

Hmm... so most of those were fail, but I'm somewhat pleased. I retained some of the things I liked and still like.
Any new resolutions?

Continue to grow.

downthewindows @ 2008-01-08T19:30:00

2008-01-09T00:30:52Z

Take the time to fully analyze the differences between crazy and stupid.

downthewindows @ 2007-12-26T09:07:00

2007-12-27T02:07:29Z

Something needs to change, and it needs to start with me.

downthewindows @ 2007-11-28T21:31:00

2007-11-29T02:32:56Z

Whatever is lodged under my period key (nail clipping, crumb...) needs to gtfo, because it's making me twitch.

All Of My Blind Ambition Has Left Me Deaf With Perfect Vision

2007-02-08T00:16:04Z

I had to write a picture prompt yesterday. You know, they give you a picture, you write a story. Mrs. Vanatta gave us rules, like "Make sure that there is dialog." and "Keep the story very close to the picture, and do not add characters that are not in the picture."
We got a picture of a bottle on a beach.

My bed has been able to make me happier than anything else has at all these past few weeks. I found myself writing poetry in my head this morning about how comfortable it was and how nice it made me feel.

I got home, and all of the doors were locked. I ended up sitting outside for an hour until Kaila and Matt came to pick me up. (At least I know now to get a Black tea vente no water soy latte next time I come to Starbucks.)
The worst part is that it turns out that the back door really was open, it just took a lot of muscle to get it open because the metal was frozen shut.

I've started to draw a lot lately. I still need to nudge my mom more into getting me a tablet and a scanner... but over all, I'm just really happy that I'm drawing again.

I haven't been able to really talk to Mark for the past few days. Work and school are so hard on him. He's my hero for making it through all of that garbage.

A month from now I will regret having all of these entries with nothing really meaningful in them and delete them all.

downthewindows @ 2007-02-06T18:01:00

2007-02-07T02:01:32Z

I'm going to try to update this daily. I'm starting to get afraid of losing everything again. I can't remember anything that happened.

Something funny happened this weekend. I had Mark take me to the mall so that I could get my fish, who is cute and bitchy as ever, and was named House. Also, he finally stopped attacking the bamboo.
Anyway, it took us forever to find a space, and we finally found one outside of Bloomingdale's, and it turns out there was a space we could have pulled out into in front of us. As I'm getting out of the car, someone pulls in behind us and they're honking like mad. I turn thinking, "Who's that jackass?" and it's Lauren and Peter. ^_^
The odds are... just, wow. Peter probably saw us from across the parking lot or something.

I really adore the Dresden Dolls. Glass Slipper is a really good song. So is Christopher Lydon (in a comical sense, or at least I hope that was what Amanda was going for.).

Today was a good day.
Mark had a good day today. He's nice when he's had a good day. He's not sad, and I don't worry. That makes today a good day.
I hope that he doesn't die from all of his work.

Today I ate really healthy, but then I went and had Burger King. Baby carrots, grapefruit... and Burger King. Bah.
I'm trying to grow out my nails again but it just won't work. They break too much.. and it irritates me. They used to break even when I ate a lot. I guess I just never really ate healthy.

The phone is ringing off the hook. My head hurts, and it's not for me, and no one will pick up... And they keep calling back. What I don't understand is when someone constantly calls back after the receiver doesn't pick up not once, not twice, but six times. It's either my grandma or one of my little sister's friends.

I'm going to go take a shower now. My little sister probably used up all of the warm water. T_T"

(Spell Check: Own'd. The only error was Bloomingdale's. I have reached a level above dolphin. xD)

downthewindows @ 2007-01-26T22:03:00

2007-01-27T03:04:10Z

Crimson Tide XX: i'm sleepy
incisionoflust: Then go get rest I'm sure that would be more pleasureable than wasting time with me.
Crimson Tide XX: i can't sleep. the birds will eat me
Crimson Tide XX: and i don't want them to peck out my eyes
incisionoflust: Then eat them first
Crimson Tide XX: i'll get fat

downthewindows @ 2007-01-13T15:42:00

2007-01-13T20:48:45Z

Blindskater2116: You ever listen to Jack Johnson
Crimson Tide XX: yeah
Blindskater2116: SO GOOD
Crimson Tide XX: i know
Crimson Tide XX: he's amazing
Blindskater2116: ARE YOU SERIOUS
Crimson Tide XX: yes
Blindskater2116: YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE PERSON
Crimson Tide XX: awesome
Blindskater2116: No one listens to him
Crimson Tide XX: i do
Blindskater2116: Good lol

I have no idea who Jack Johnson is.

I'm stuck.

2007-01-01T20:39:59Z

Alright. A new years post.

I do not like the format of the paragraphs in this layout. I'm also getting off topic.

Resolutions.
Stop cursing entirely.
Healthy foods.
Start painting. Finally.
Spell better and broaden my vocabulary.
Use that vocabulary without sounding like an ass.
Continue not smoking cigarettes.
Forget pursuing piano, but at least try to practice once a week.
Read more books.
Watch more movies.
Play more video games.
Write more.
Keep doing that pretty handwriting thing.
Change the way I act in large groups.
Fast as least four times this year.
Regain the control I had. In all aspects.
Try to get to the same level of thinness I was two years ago.
Get thin and stay that way, or...
get fat and stay that way.
Make up my mind / find a way to maintain something steady.
Steady myself.
Mark. Everything. Every single thing.

I think I can go on forever listing things I want to change about myself.

A date won't make a difference as to the fact that I wasn't able to complete these tasks earlier.
A year from now, I'll come back, and we'll see how I did- I'll bet I won't get anywhere at all.

You shouldn't tell people that you wanted to be an artist, unless you want people asking you why you lost your muse and why you're not painting anymore in your late thirties. (Diary, by Chuck Palahniuk is a good read if anyone's interested.)

I never had a muse to begin with.

downthewindows @ 2006-07-25T17:51:00

2006-07-25T22:14:59Z

Hi, LJ. It's been a while, hm?

The need for LJ sort of died in me. I don't know why. In the past I'd scramble to write down every single little thing, horrified of forgetting; of a loss of my own self.
Now I'm just sort of mellow. It doesn't matter to me. I see things differently now.
Visiting my Grandma on I think maybe Saturday or Friday, I saw things so differently. The trees breathed. Every detail in my mother's face, magnified and then blurred out again, becoming one. Forms and shadows showed themselves beautifully, although all I was looking at was a trash can passing on the street. The back tires of a truck spinning. I wanted to draw them so I could remember, but I know now that that image is burned in my mind perfectly, flawlessly. I won't forget.
Listening to Leaving Hope (NIN), for a second, watching the trees breathe, I'm positive that I reached nirvana. It was an experience..

Then we came to my Grandma's apartment, took the dog, and went to the beach. It was drizzling, and slowly it began to rain harder. No one else was at the beach, and I was overwhelmed and compelled to run. So I did. I ran, I chased my dog, I threw it handfuls of sand that it chased after but was then shocked to have disappear beneath the receding tide, I did cartwheels, I jumped, I did a barrel roll (awaiting 4chan reference). All the while the drums beat on and the dull voice of the singer of Enigma of the Absolute, Dead Can Dance, droned on it my head, pounding. But that monotone voice I found beautiful, and I smiled, and soon even in it's monotone I discovered the tones, the highs and falls, the sheer beauty.

I sound like such a stoner.

Grandma gave me a giant bristol sketch pad that I can throw down watercolors on, as well as a bunch of canvases. She offered to let me stay, and I wanted to, but I didn't have a change of clothes. Next time, I'll have a change, and I'll stay and paint with her.
She paints flowers. Bouquets that she gathers herself. I remember she went onto a person's yard when she was staying with us and rips their flowers out, she waited until after dark.
She must be senile, but I love her for some reason.

Today, dad took me to his studio, where he works. Everyone was done with work for the summer, but he still came back to paint. It was the perfect place. It was a warehouse. The smell of sawdust. A neighboring Korea company renting out part of the warehouse called "Do Do Apparel".
Dad looked so happy, so eager to show me his work place. He showed me the paintings he had been working on, not even fully dry; he held them up with such care, dirtying his fingers. Abstract. Large, bright blobs of color and stain and gold and even floor polish that dried on hard.
He showed me his office, opened the fridge to give me a Coke and to complain about it's emptiness: nothing but condiments. I promised to bake them brownies.
He showed me his computer in the office, his boss's artwork. A giant book on Da Vinci that his boss purchases from the internet.
Then he painted, and so did I. It was my first time. I focused on watching the way colors blended. How brush strokes differ in application. How to apply pressure, how to use your wrist. I painted a lilly, blown up to show the detailed bright blue spots jump out against the dull, monotone red, yellow, and gray of the petals.
He gave me one of his paintings. I chose to keep another one, too, because he disliked it and said he'd throw it out.
I couldn't paint anymore because Mark called and told me that he spoke with Hunter, and my mind was too distracted and uneasy. I read a book as my father finished his painting.
We left. He showed me the other place he worked.

Also, now that Mark has learned of his inheritance, we've learned that Mark's and I's kids would be a deadly mix of selected, genetically engineered drinkers; German, Russian, and Irish.
Hahahah.

downthewindows @ 2006-06-27T16:35:00

2006-06-27T20:40:16Z

One stumbles across strange things when surfing the interweb...

And we shall call yee: Monsterballz.

[EDIT]
Okay, so at first I thought it would be funny.
"Gee, let's see our good friend Monsterballz go drag as inspired by J-train's comment."

Now I'm just seriously upset.

I just took the time to do all that in photoshop.
Someone shoot me. T_T

... Alright. I'm off to go bake some brownies. -_-